Hurricane I

As originally performed in MS Word so as to prevent the eating of Posts.

For the Lovely Emma’s Bachelorette Party, we the bridesmaids decided that we needed to dress her. We divided things by areas of expertise - her Maid of Honor was in charge of pants, her other childhood friend was in charge of shirt and shoes, The Whitley was in charge of bling, and I was in charge of the hat. Based on the theme “Cowgirls in the City”, I decided that Emma needed a cowboy hat with hot pink tulle adorned with things. (Ass Side Comment: Emma knew I was in charge of the hat and was absolutely paranoid that she’d end up with horns and bells, a la Tau Beta Sigma. Sadly, horns didn’t even occur to me.)

I looked up a Michaels craft store and a JoAnne’s Fabric store on line, and miracle of miracles, the two stores were located in the same shopping center. Not having a car, I look up the address on wmata.com. It looked easy enough – I take the Metro and then a bus. I downloaded the time schedule, and I was geared up and ready to go.

I get there without any problems. The tulle is even on sale, I beat my budget, it was awesome. For you DC people, the shopping center I went to is one with the Home Depot near the Ikea in Baltimore.

I decided to go to the nearby Wendy’s to sit down and check the schedule I had picked up from the trip there so I could get home. There are two buses that run on the bus line, 1C and 1F. I had taken the 1F there, but it looked on the map like the routes are the same. It’s about quarter of 6, and it looks like there is a 1C bus going Eastward back to the Metro at 6:11. Knowing how the bus hates me, I checked to see what happens if I go the other direction. The map says I should be golden, there’s another Metro station. So no matter which way I go, according to my interpretation of the map, I make it back to the Metro and I can get home. (Insert foreboding music.) I’d like to get back to the same Metro, so I can claim a victory over the bus, but if I don’t, that’s okay. I can still find home.

I get back to the bus stop about five minutes early, and right on time, the bus pulls into the station. C1 at 6:11pm, just like the schedule says. I wave my transfer sheet at the driver and settle down, all proud of myself.

Need I mention that this is the point where I went wrong? I started off in Baltimore, which is in Maryland. Before too long, I started seeing signs for things in Fairfax, which is in Virginia. Okay okay, I thought. Metro #2 is the backup plan, I’m still okay.

Well, apparently not. The driver told me – an hour and a half later, as we were parked on the side of the road for him to take his 30 minute break that he was using to mock me about getting on the wrong bus – that the C1 doesn’t go to Metro #2 on the weekends. Or something. I was trying not to lose my temper, so I stopped listening to him. The bus eventually did go back to Metro #1, so I did in fact make it back to the same Metro I started from, three malls, two hospitals, and two and a half hours later (Ass Comment #2 – why would anyone take the bus to the Emergency Room? Seems like that’s going in cross purposes, but then I have bad luck with the bus).

There’s an ad in my schedule for something called “The RideGuide.” They show two people getting on a bus, a man and a woman. The arrow on the man says,

He Knows:-Where The Bus Is Going

The arrow on the woman says,

She Knows: -Where the Bus Is Going
-When It Will Arrive
-Which Metro Station To Transfer To
-How Much It Will Cost
-Walking Directions To Her Final Destination

Shit. I’d be doing well to know where my bus is going, apparently.

BUS: 5, INDIA: 3

For those unfamiliar with my bus issues, some background.