Hurricane I

Sometimes, Joel needs to stop one-braining me. Only, apparently, he found the one intelligent person at SunTrust, leaving me with the idiots.

From the first day I had my SunTrust account, I hated that bank. The man I opened the account with told me that I could use it that day. I did, and I got charged for a bounced check both by the grocery store and the bank. Apparently, by "yes you can use it today," SunTrust actually meant "Only once your out-of-state check clears." There goes $56. Whatever. They've probably taken random amounts of money from my account previously when I was too busy to look at my statements too closely, i.e. finals.

Last month, I got charged a "maintenance fee" because I didn't have a minimum balance of $500. Who knew I needed $500? This is new. Knowing how SunTrust has inept people on the phones, I decided to take advantage of the fact that SunTrust has branches in walkable distances and go to a branch with my little pissed-off self to demand my $8 back. I arrived at ten minutes to three, which was fortunate, since SunTrust apparently opens at 9am and closes at 3pm. (I want to work in a bank. I promise to be inept enough.) SunTrust, Pledging To Find More Ways To Inconvenience You Everyday. I felt like I was in a bad SNL episode.

India: Yes, hi, I had a question about my account.

Assistant Bank Manager: Please sit down. What is your account number?

India, pulls last statement from folder: Here. I was charged an $8 maintenance fee last month, but I have a Student Account and there should be no minimum balance.

ABM, after clicking lots of buttons, shows me screen: Yes, here, it says that you have to have $500 in the account, or you get charged a fee.

India: But when did that change? I didn't receive a notice of a change in my account.

ABM: Did you open this account here?

India: No, I opened it in Nashville.

ABM: Oh, then I don't know. This is the Maryland, DC, Virginia area. The rules are different.

India: Isn't this SunTrust?

ABM: Yes, but you are in DC. This account is in Nashville. The rules are different.

India: So this isn't the same bank?

ABM: Yes, this is the same bank, but this is a different region. You're in the MARYLAND, DC, VIRGINIA area. This account was in NASHVILLE. In TENNESSEE. You have to call them.

India: Why are the rules different if this is the same bank?

ABM: No, no, you do not understand. This is the MID-ATLANTIC Region. You have to talk to the bank in NASHVILLE. This is DC.

India, frustrated: I looked on your website -

ABM: Yes, and there are different drop-down menus for different regions. They are different. You are in the MID-ATLANTIC region, which does not include Nashville. The rules are different. I don't know the rules in Nashville. If you had an account here, I could help you.

India: No, that's not my question. What -

ABM: You are in the MARYLAND, DC, VIRGINIA area. The rules are different.

India: So I can't complain to you about this account?

ABM: You can complain to me, but this is not our account. This is the DISTRICT OF COLUMBIA branch, and you opened your account in TENNESSEE.

India: So you can't close this account for me?

ABM: Yes, I can close the account (starts filling out paperwork, calls boss to see if he actually can close my account, clicks more buttons.)

India: And so I have to call Nashville to get my $8 back?

ABM, surprised: Oh, I can give you your $8 back, but then you can't close the account today. You want your $8 back?

India: Fine. I'll come back tomorrow.

ABM: So you want $8?

India, very frustrated: Yes.

ABM: If you want to open a new account, I can help you with that.

India: No thank you.

I would call Customer Service and bitch at them, but it would really be a waste of time. I got my $8, tomorrow I will close the account, and the peasants will rejoice.