Sunday, October 17, 2004
Dungeons and Dragons
In honor of the 30th Anniversary of Dungeons and Dragons, I am posting a personal ad I found on craigslist.org. I like to read the ridiculousness that some people are searching for (and I am truly stunned by the number of men who are open about wanting women to be their bitches and are suprised when no one answers their ad. News Flash: Smart, witty and attractive women, at least the ones that I know, tend to get pissed off when someone tries to make them their bitch. Anyway). This guy reminds me of the Comic Book Guy on the Simpsons.
Below is the unedited personal as it originally appeared. In my opinion, there's a reason he hasn't found his...whatever... yet. But I wish him happy hunting.
Level 13/16 Rogue-Mage seeks Level 12 Sorceress, Bard, or Equivalent - 23
First off, my title is AWESOME. If you don’t think it’s at least mildly humorous, then I’m probably not the ideal candidate for you.
In case you couldn’t guess it, I’m a little geeky. You might not guess that if you saw me from a distance, but as you hear the references I make to Family Guy and Star Wars, or watch me pretend to be a pirate with a wooden sword and a bandana, you’ll have to bet I’m a either a real big dork or a person with the maturity of a 7 year-old. I suppose, in most instances, a little of both are true.
I’m a cute guy, and I clean up pretty well. I certainly wouldn’t call myself “metrosexual” by any stretch of the imagination, but I do bathe regularly and keep myself relatively well groomed. I don’t live in my parents’ basement and I do things on a Friday other than sit at home and watch Star Trek reruns. In fact, I’ve been known to watch Stargate reruns instead! Also, I can be rather sarcastic at times. I’m white, blonde hair, blue eyes, 5’9-ish, slim build. I love drinking at the bar or sitting at home playing video games or watching movies. Oh, also, I have a job that pays the bills and isn’t something like “video store clerk” or “employee at Eddie Bauer.”
You? Here are your requirements.
A similar race is preferred, though some deviations seem acceptable. Elves and Halflings (Kender, preferably) are acceptable, though Dwarves, Orcs, and Ogres need not apply. Not really looking for a paladin, but at the same time, I don’t have a lot of use for necromancers. A bard is ideal, but I would settle for a ranger or sorceress. You should be similar in age to me, but if you’re an Elf or Halfling, age differences are understandable. Proficiency in light armor is preferred, but not required. At least 3 ranks in Bluff, Diplomacy, and Listen. Ideal candidates also have ranks in Swim, Survival, and Knowledge (any). Extra consideration will be given to candidates who have any of the following feats: Agile, Animal Affinity, Self-Sufficient, or Toughness.
Level requirements will be strictly adhered to. Your pic gets mine. Those whose pictures show them in full battle regalia are preferred.
I personally think the best part is when he assures us that he bathes...because that actually is necessary in this situation.
And I do not intend to be mean by saying that, it's just true. One of the formally written rules of the Vanderbilt Debate Squad is that you must bathe on a regular basis. It's there because it's necessary. Other teams clearly do not have this rule, but we at Vanderbilt adhere to standards of basic higene. We are a country club, after all.
I also like that you get bonus points for agility, mostly because "agile" has now joined the ranks of "fulfilled" of words with dirty connotations.
(Hat tip on the D&D Anniversary: Joel. [insert joke about why Joel knows about this here])
Below is the unedited personal as it originally appeared. In my opinion, there's a reason he hasn't found his...whatever... yet. But I wish him happy hunting.
Level 13/16 Rogue-Mage seeks Level 12 Sorceress, Bard, or Equivalent - 23
First off, my title is AWESOME. If you don’t think it’s at least mildly humorous, then I’m probably not the ideal candidate for you.
In case you couldn’t guess it, I’m a little geeky. You might not guess that if you saw me from a distance, but as you hear the references I make to Family Guy and Star Wars, or watch me pretend to be a pirate with a wooden sword and a bandana, you’ll have to bet I’m a either a real big dork or a person with the maturity of a 7 year-old. I suppose, in most instances, a little of both are true.
I’m a cute guy, and I clean up pretty well. I certainly wouldn’t call myself “metrosexual” by any stretch of the imagination, but I do bathe regularly and keep myself relatively well groomed. I don’t live in my parents’ basement and I do things on a Friday other than sit at home and watch Star Trek reruns. In fact, I’ve been known to watch Stargate reruns instead! Also, I can be rather sarcastic at times. I’m white, blonde hair, blue eyes, 5’9-ish, slim build. I love drinking at the bar or sitting at home playing video games or watching movies. Oh, also, I have a job that pays the bills and isn’t something like “video store clerk” or “employee at Eddie Bauer.”
You? Here are your requirements.
A similar race is preferred, though some deviations seem acceptable. Elves and Halflings (Kender, preferably) are acceptable, though Dwarves, Orcs, and Ogres need not apply. Not really looking for a paladin, but at the same time, I don’t have a lot of use for necromancers. A bard is ideal, but I would settle for a ranger or sorceress. You should be similar in age to me, but if you’re an Elf or Halfling, age differences are understandable. Proficiency in light armor is preferred, but not required. At least 3 ranks in Bluff, Diplomacy, and Listen. Ideal candidates also have ranks in Swim, Survival, and Knowledge (any). Extra consideration will be given to candidates who have any of the following feats: Agile, Animal Affinity, Self-Sufficient, or Toughness.
Level requirements will be strictly adhered to. Your pic gets mine. Those whose pictures show them in full battle regalia are preferred.
I personally think the best part is when he assures us that he bathes...because that actually is necessary in this situation.
And I do not intend to be mean by saying that, it's just true. One of the formally written rules of the Vanderbilt Debate Squad is that you must bathe on a regular basis. It's there because it's necessary. Other teams clearly do not have this rule, but we at Vanderbilt adhere to standards of basic higene. We are a country club, after all.
I also like that you get bonus points for agility, mostly because "agile" has now joined the ranks of "fulfilled" of words with dirty connotations.
(Hat tip on the D&D Anniversary: Joel. [insert joke about why Joel knows about this here])
